Murder and Matchmaking

Murder and Matchmaking
A novel mashup of Sherlock Holmes and Pride & Prejudice

Monday, March 15, 2010

Chance Encounters

It was about half an hour before lunchtime when her eyes fell upon him. There, across the crowded pantry, she saw the lone Milky Way, lying on the shelf. How he came to be there she could not be entirely certain, although she suspected he must have fallen from the bag which had been taken away some days earlier. However, on occasions such as these, the mind is far too overwhelmed to adequately analyse the myriad of possible explanations and unravel the series of seemingly unconnected events that had led to that specific moment. All she was truly capable of apprehending during such a raging torrent of passionate emotion was that there he was, sitting between the spices and packets of crackers, right in front of her.

“Mon Cheri,” the Milky Way whispered. “I can see from the way you look at me that you desire me with an intensity that astounds even your own passionate soul. Your gaze, how it lingers over the sensuous folds of my wrapper and your mouth moves as though you have already imagined a thousand times over how sweet I should taste between your lips. Give in, mon cheri, do not resist such a forceful craving.”

“Well, Milky Way,” she replied. “I am afraid that I have resolved to be entirely healthy this week, as well you know. I have stocked up on numerous fruits and the fruit bowl is piled with far more nutritious options than a chocolate bar. There are enough veges in the fridge to make many a wholesome salad and I feel that it would demonstrate some weakness of character to abandon the attempt at maintaining a healthy diet throughout the week as early as Tuesday before lunch.”

“Ah, mon cheri, do not be so hasty. If you do not devour me as you so wish, the craving will take root in the very depths of your soul. The sweet caress of chocolate will be all that you think of from morning to night, your unfulfilled desire with drive you to distraction and, then inevitably, you will be overwhelmed by your carnal cravings and will give in with a dangerous and reckless abandon only to be discovered, lying unconscious on the kitchen floor one night, smeared in chocolate after consuming a lethal overdose of fifty king-size blocks of dairy milk.”

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“No, indeed it is not. However, if you surrender to your ardent desires now, you will experience an incandescent ecstasy that nourishes not only your confectionery craving, but transcends all other pleasures of human existence. You will discover the exquisite truths that lie behind every sweet mystery of life, you will behold the heart-breaking beauty of the pinnacle of human emotion, and you will experience a state of rapturous bliss hitherto only hinted at in the passionate strains of Puccini and the words of Keats and Shakespeare. If we are together for even the briefest of moments, the memory of the incomparable joy will be enough to sustain you through the rest of your life. Even if you had nothing but stale bread over the years you come, you would still smile as you savoured the remembrance of my sweet, intoxicating embrace eternally lingering upon your lips. Consume me, devour me, and sate all your yearnings forever more.”

“So you’re saying that if I eat you, I will be satisfied and won’t want to eat any more chocolate?”

“Oui! You understand me, perfectly. Truly, we are soulmates.”

And so she ate the Milky Way, and it was most pleasant.

Ten minutes later she returned to the pantry where that fateful meeting had taken place.

“Damn,” she said, fruitlessly searching between the spices and the crackers. “I want another one!”

Chocolate is like many things in life; no matter how exquisite or incomparable in their greatness they may be, they are seldom satisfactory in single helpings.


Anonymous said...

I think most people can relate to this Chocolate experience!

Anonymous said...

No, she should have saved herself for a Snickers